


Getting Comfortable

by Jillian



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-14
Updated: 2011-05-14
Packaged: 2017-10-19 09:27:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/199362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jillian/pseuds/Jillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy has only ever felt uncomfortable around Adam twice before, but the uncomfortable kind he feels now is something he can't handle. He can't handle it because he doesn't understand it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Getting Comfortable

**Author's Note:**

> Decided to change a very small bit at the end, I didn't like how Tommy fainted, so I rewrote it... hope you like this better :)

The first time I ever felt uncomfortable around Adam was during audition, but it was a pleasant uncomfortable. It’s the kind of uncomfortable that you kind of need, you know? It’s not annoying; it’s just there to keep you focused.

The second time was just after the AMA’s, a weird uncomfortable this time, but mainly because Adam was the one who did not know how to act around me. He kept apologising and asking if he really had not crossed any boundaries. It took a hard and unexpected kiss, in front of the band (!), from me to get him to shut up, relax and see I was okay with it.

But the uncomfortable feeling I’ve had around him for the last 2 weeks is the uncomfortable kind I am _not_ comfortable with. I don’t like it, because I don’t understand it this time around. He is acting weird; distant, yet not. He talks a lot, yet doesn’t say anything. He seems nervous, fidgety and unfocused.

I know, it probably has to do with his break-up a few days ago, or at least I hope that’s it. I just somehow have a weird feeling that there is more to it. Or, more than he is willing to let on.

What pisses me off most though, is that he is talking about this break-up to anyone willing (or not) to listen, except me! As soon as I start asking, he stops talking. As if it’s my fucking fault! I didn’t break them up, did I? Then why is he looking at me like it is?

And that is where that uncomfortable feeling comes back in. Why, since that break-up, do I hear anger in his voice when I finally get to talk to him? It takes him 2 fucking days to call me back and when he does, he pretends he is not pissed but doesn’t hide it very well.

I’ve been sitting in my car outside his house for at least 30 minutes now, trying to find the courage to knock on that door and ask him what the fuck happened. But that very same fucking uncomfortable feeling is holding me back. I’m almost too scared to walk up to that door and confront him with his stupid behaviour. This is what he broke me down to; a nervous, insecure, nail biting dick, afraid to talk to one of his best friends.

I know he’s home, cause the porch light is off. Strange fucker thinks that throws fans off, making them believe he might not be home. I already told him that fans’ll figure that out sooner or later, but he wouldn’t listen. ‘I’ll just switch it around when they find out’ he replied, yeah… that’ll work.

But what if he won’t even let me in? That he’ll just blow me off like he does over the phone? He might not even open the door, pretend he really isn’t home this time.

‘You home? :)’ a simple text that, as expected, I do not get a reply to. Neither do ‘Where you at?’, ‘Still up?’ and ‘Are you busy? ;)’. Even ‘Are you ignoring me? ;)’ remains unanswered. I could stalk him and send texts until he answers, but what if he really isn’t near his phone? I don’t want to go broke on texts he won’t read until he is reunited with the damn thing.

He’s changed his voice mail. His happy message is now replaced by a computer voice stating that this number is not answering my call… Duh, I figured that out 5 calls ago. I hate leaving messages, I suck at them. People, just either answer your phone or don’t, but don’t give me options to leave messages I know you don’t even want to listen to. I never did too, getting all kinds of complaints why I had not called back as they had asked. If I don’t answer, just call back later or send me a text, but don’t leave messages. I finally figured out how to turn that automatically installed voicemail option off. Now I get complaints that they can’t leave messages, but who gives a fuck? I certainly don’t, I’m just happy I don’t have to listen to complaints about not answering to a voice mail anymore.

But after 10 calls and 10 computer-voiced messages saying he ain’t picking up, I cave, I actually fucking cave and leave the shortest message known to mankind ‘Dude, pick up’. It doesn’t surprise me at all that he doesn’t on the next few attempts. Fuck, this is pissing me off now. I’ve been sitting in this car for over a fucking hour and he is clearly avoiding the fuck out of me.

Fans might call me tiny, but long strides have me at his front door faster than most can blink. I can’t really care less if I wake him up now, I will not let go of that doorbell until he opens up.

It seems to work, because the door is yanked open 30 seconds after I start ringing like a man possessed. A freaked out face greets me and that is even before he realizes _who_ is at the door. When _that_ realization hits, he goes from freaked out to livid. ‘What. The. Fuck, Tommy??’ He shouts, but I knew I had that coming, probably would’ve done the same thing. ‘Then answer your fucking phone, now will you step aside?’ His eyebrows lift up so high they practically disappear in that ridiculously high do of his. ‘You can try staring me away, but that ain’t happening. You are letting me in and you and I are going to have a little talk. Mostly you about why you’ve been treating me like a dick and not answering my calls. Speaking of which; you are also going to get me your phone charger, cause thanks to you, my battery is about to die.’

The fucker is strong, must give him that, he is not moving an inch when I try to make it past him, but I do. What he keeps forgetting is that he might be strong, but I am stronger, especially when I’m as pissed as I am now and his actions are ticking me off more and more.

‘Now is not really a good time, Tommy’ He hisses as he follows me to his living room. A bottle of red, almost empty, graces the coffee table, half empty glass right next to it. His laptop is on the couch, right next to _his fucking phone!_ Yeah, Adam, protest all you want, I’m checking it.  
‘Fuck, you dick, you read all my messages? Why the fuck haven’t you answered any single one of them? How hard is it to even simply reply ‘busy’ or ‘not now’? Or just fucking _answer_ the god damned thing and let me know at least you are alright but not in the mood for a conversation or what the fuck ever?’  
He has a look of guilt on his face, his hands are twitchy and he is avoiding eye contact. I don’t know what the fuck is going on, I feel like I am losing my friend here and I hate it.  
‘What’s going on, Adam? I know breaking up with someone isn’t easy and you just need time to get over that and stuff, but I feel as if you are shutting me out and I’m not even the one who broke up with you. You’ve been acting weird around me for weeks and I don’t like it. Are you, like… are you breaking up with me too? Don’t you want me to be your friend anymore? ‘Cause that is what it feels like.’

Next thing I know, Adam hits the floor, on his knees, really hard. And he is sobbing, fuck! I can handle all kinds of Adam, but not the sobbing kind. And that is definitely the last thing I want, I do not want him to break down and cry. I can’t even handle women crying, let alone men!

‘Don’t... I can’.... just...’ Is what it sounds like he is trying to say, but who knows? I don’t even think he knows what he is trying to say himself. When I walk over he grabs and holds on to my legs before I can even hunch down. His sobs are getting worse and his grab on my jeans pull the damn things down a bit and worst of all; I don’t know what to do or say now. I just stand there, unable to move while he cries his heart out. It probably sounds weird, but I am relieved when he tries to pull me down so I can sit. This was just awkward to stand there and not being able to do anything. My own ass barely hits the floor and Adam’s arms are around my waist, tears already soaking my shirt and all I do is hold him.

I never knew a person held this amount of fluids in his body, but apparently, looking at my drained shirt, we do. It feels like hours pass before Adam calms down a bit, but only because he just can’t anymore, he has exhausted himself. I have never seen him look so tiny before, where is that tall and proud man I know so well?

‘Adam? Are you ready to talk yet?´ I try, soft and hopefully soothing. Anything to keep the tears from coming again. If he starts crying again, I will probably join him this round and I don’t even know why. Whatever it is that’s going on inside that head of his, it’s bothering him more that it should and needs to get out’  
’I-I-I don’t think I’ll ever be. I’m so-sorry for shutting you out. I ne-ver meant to.’ he says in hiccups. His grip on my shirt still tight, clinging on to me as if his life depends on it. Or... probably more likely just so he won’t need to look at me while he is trying to get himself together again.  
‘But we have to talk about this, Adam. I am not leaving until I know what is going on. Even if you are going to tell me we cannot be friends anymore, as long as there is a valid reason for it.’  
’No, no, of course I am not going to stop being your friend. This, this is all just my fault’ And here come the waterworks again, how is that possible?  
‘Adam, what is your fault? Talk to me, baby’ Wow, I had not used that nickname in months.  
‘Everything is.’ He says between soft sobs, trying to get himself together again ’It’s my fault he broke up with me, it’s my fault you’re mad at me, Everything is falling apart and it’s all because of me.’  
‘But the only reason I’m mad now, is because you are pissed at me for some reason and you wouldn’t return my calls or my texts. I wasn’t mad at all before. And why is it your fault he broke up with you? Don’t tell me you cheated on him?’ My fingers running through his hair seems to help because I can feel his breathing relax a little bit.  
‘But I’m not really mad at you.’ A big sigh ’More pissed at myself, but I ended up taking it out on you. I know I shouldn’t have, but I still did. And now you’re mad too and everything is just fucked up’ Is he just feeling sorry for himself or just trying to get out of actually really answering my questions?  
‘Why are you mad at yourself, Adam? Why would you be? You don’t blame yourself for him breaking up with you, do you? Cause unless you really did something awful, you have no one but him to blame for that’  
’Of course I blame myself and I don’t blame him for doing what he did, he was right!’  
‘Why, Adam? Just tell me, I know you told everyone else’  
’I... ’  
‘Tell me, Adam, quit stalling, start telling’  
’... please don’t do this to me...’ Adam whispered. What the fuck?  
’Oh yes I am. You are going to talk to me, Lambert, whether you like it or not. I told you, I am not leaving until I know what’s going on.’  
‘You... you don’t get it. It’s not that I do not want to tell you, really, it’s not. It’s just, fuck... Trust me, you are better off not knowing the truth about it all.’  
’So you really don’t want to be my friend anymore...’

I try to get up because there is no way I am going to stay here any longer. If he really doesn’t want to trust me, fine, let him. I’ve tried to help, right? But if he doesn’t want to confide in me at all, then what’s the use of staying? I’m sure he will turn around in a few weeks when he is over the initial shock of that guy dumping his ass and I already know there is nothing to forgive once he comes back, but I am still going to make him grovel for it, make him see what he did.

But like I say, I try to get up, but Adam tightens his death grip on me, right now I am even lucky I can wiggle my toes, but that’s about it!  
‘Adam, let me go. You clearly don’t want to trust in me and I am tired of trying to fix whatever it is between us. Call me when you’re ready.’  
But the fucker still won’t let go.  
‘Please... please don’t go. Don’t leave me.’ Hiccups were returning, he was definitely close to another round of crying.  
‘Then tell me, why should I stay? Give me one good reason why I should stay even though you clearly don’t want me to help you.’  
’I do, really, I do so f-fucking much. But you don’t get it, you don’t understand.’  
’No, I don’t Adam’ I say as I try to get up again ‘And clearly you don’t want me to understand. Hence my wanting to leave’  
’... please...’ he whispers again. ‘Just promise you won’t freak out.’  
‘Why would I...’  
‘Just promise me, or I won’t talk!’ Pleading eyes, desperate for confirmation looked at me, waiting for me to answer. I don’t think I have ever seen him look so scared in his life! Whatever it was, it seemed to be eating him alive.  
’I promise, alright. Just relax, okay?’

Adam finally lets me go and gets up. He is stalling for time and he knows it. He downs his glass and quickly refills and drowns the second one too. If he keeps this up, he’ll be too drunk to even start a conversation soon. But when his second glass is empty, he puts it down on the table and turns back to me. He still doesn’t speak, but it looks like he is looking for the right words finally.

Minutes pass without any word spoken. Every few seconds, Adam opens his mouth and closes it again, he kind of reminds me of a fish on dry land, but don’t ever tell him I thought that. And then I see something change in him. I don’t even know how to describe it really, but it’s a sort of surrender of some kind. He definitely looks so disappointed, yet determined. Again he opens his mouth, takes a deep breath and for a second I fear he is going to choke himself or something, because he doesn’t breathe, he doesn’t close his mouth, he just stands there and right when I want to ask him if he is okay...

’I love you... I-I’m in love with you...’

Okay.... I am definitely not prepared for that. Is he kidding? Is this some sick joke and is he going to start laughing any second? At least now I understand the fish face because I am doing it right now too. One look at Adam’s face tells me he is definitely not joking (but that does not help my fish mouth much), if anything, he looks even more terrified now.  
The ball is completely in my court now, isn’t it? Everything depends on my first reaction, but I have no idea what to say.

‘Care to elaborate?’ Look, I know it’s lame, but that’s the least I deserve, or at least I think so. There has got to be more to the story than just an ’I love you’. It doesn’t explain why he got dumped, unless he shouted the wrong name at the wrong time, if you know what I mean? And more importantly, it doesn’t at all explain why he is mad at himself and at me. The look on his face shows that he was expecting that very question. He checks the wine bottle, but it’s truly empty this time. If it makes him more comfortable, then who am I to deny him? I get up off the floor and make my way to the liquor cabinet. I could use something a little stronger myself.

When I hand him his scotch, he looks at me relieved. But he still does not talk until he downs this glass too.  
‘Don’t do this. Stop hurting yourself, babe.’ Apparently that’s enough for him to open the verbal gates, cause he opens his mouth again and doesn’t stop.

’I-I don’t even know where to begin. I didn’t even see it happening. I mean, it wasn’t until he pointed it out to me that I started to look back and realise he was right. And I should have seen it all along, you know? But apparently I didn’t. And I tried to stop it, I tried not to feel the way I do and return to this wonderful relationship we had and just be in love with him. But he could tell it didn’t work because no one can control who they fall in love with.’

Adam had started to pace up and down the room a few minutes ago and just rambling whatever he felt like he needed to get out for me to understand. I bet there is a whole lot more to this story than from what I have heard so far, but he’ll get there.

‘He gave me an ultimatum. Choose him or we’d be over. And I tried, really I tried. I even tried cutting you out, but nothing worked. I loved him, I still love him, really you have to believe me, but there is a difference between loving someone and being _in love_ with someone and I just loved him, I wasn’t _in love_. Fuck, I so wanted to be, you know?

That’s when I started hating you. But I didn’t really hate you, but fuck did I want to. _You_ were the reason why it wasn’t working out with him. _You_ were the reason why our relationship was at stake and _you_ were the reason why I ruined everything that I loved about being with him. I blamed you for _everything_ , even for burning the sweet potatoes the night it all shot to hell. But no matter how much I tried, I still love you more and he knew that and that’s why he just dumped me.’ His cheeks blush and I just know there is more to this story, there is something he is not telling me, but I’ll find out. I’m not going to ask now, cause... _holy shit!!!_ But I think I can get him to tell me in time. I’ll just let him talk for now. I just hope he is not going to ask me what I think now cause there is no way I know what to say to this now and I think ’I didn’t see that coming’ is very appropriate.  
‘After that I wanted to hate you even more and that’s when I started to hate myself cause I didn’t want to hate you because... well, I could never hate you, I love you... I’m _in love_ with you. And I hate it that I do, I don’t want to be, what’s the use, you know? It’s not as if this big revelation is going to get me anywhere, it’s not going to magically make you feel the very same way or make you gay or...’  
‘Dude, seriously, stop! Stop with the hate. Stop hating yourself or anyone else. You are killing yourself and there is absolutely no need to. And for someone who proclaims to be so open, you sure know how to put people in boxes easily. How many times have I told you not to put me in any box? I’m Tommy, not Gay or Straight or anyone else, remember?’

What??? It’s true! I hate being put in boxes. I try to live as box-free as possible. Do I like pussy? Fuck, yes I do! Do I like dick, no fucking clue, never tried it. I might one day, but very honestly, I am in no hurry to find that out yet.  
See, that is why I refuse to be put into any box, or have any label printed on my forehead. Whenever people ask me if I’m straight or gay, I tell ’em I’m Tommy and that I’m a musician, period. Adam knows this, he laughed his ass of the first time I told him this very same line, he has heard me tell it to people numerous of times, so to remind him now again just kind of hurts, really.

’R-right, I remember. But that still doesn’t change anything, now does it? It still does not magically make you fall in love with me, or make you want to jump me all of a sudden, does it? It doesn’t change a bloody thing. So where _does_ that leave me? Right, exactly where I was when I got myself into this situation.’  
‘What the fuck? What do you mean you got yourself into a situation? You just said it yourself; you can’t help who you fall in love with. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself, alright?’  
‘Look... just forget what I said, okay? I will get over this, but just don’t get mad if I don’t answer my phone every time you call. I am alright, okay? I just need to find a way to handle all this and until I do, just bear with me. If I don’t answer, it’s because I can’t handle listening to your voice, not because I hate you for real. I’m not mad at you if I don’t reply to a tweet and I promise you that it doesn’t mean you are fired because I don’t answer to a text right away.’  
‘Whoa, what do you mean ‘fired’? You actually thought about firing my ass?’  
‘Yes and no. Yes, I thought about it, but just because I’m a scared ass, thinking the easy way out would make it a whole lot easier for me. That thought lasted about 2 seconds cause, fuck, how fair would that have been to you?’  
‘No, it wouldn’t have been!’ So, sue me for shouting, I don’t care! I mean, firing me because the fucker has feelings for me? This situation and fair should not even live on the same continent, that’s how unfair that would have been.  
‘Look, I said I realised it wouldn’t be fair, did I? Just drop it, please. Just... forget I said anything. I’m not thinking straight.’  
‘Fuck, you’re not! Fuck... I can’t believe it actually went through your mind to fire me. Do I really mean that little to you? Just because I never ever thought about letting you fuck my ass?’  
‘Tommy, don’t...’  
‘Fuck, I will. I can’t believe you, Adam! I can’t believe it actually went through your fucking mind to just get rid of me, just so you wouldn’t have had to look at my fucking face any longer. Well, fuck you, okay? I don’t need this! There are more artists out there who would appreciate my WORK, how I PLAY! Not what my ass might look like’  
‘Tommy, STOP!’  
’No, I WON’T! I understand your situation, but you gotta understand from my point of view too’  
‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, but you won’t listen’  
’I AM listening, Lambert! I am listening, but the fact that it actually went through your mind is not something I can easily forget about. How do I know this won’t happen again?’  
’It WON’T, Tommy...’  
‘That’s what you say now. But you thought it before, haven’t you?’  
‘Stop doing this to me and to yourself, Tommy. This isn’t fair to both of us and you know it!’  
’No, I don’t know it!’ I know I am acting irrationally, but I can’t help myself. The thought alone of not being part of the glamily anymore hurts more than a thousand knives stabbing me all over. That band means so fucking much to me, it’s exactly what I always dreamed of when I pictured myself in a band.  
‘Shut up, Tommy! I’m serious, right now you need to shut. the fuck. up!’ Adam is ready to blow, his eyes spit fire, his nostrils are so wide you can fit golf balls in them and his lips are so thin you can barely see them anymore. But do I stop? No, of course not. I want to, I know I am crossing lines here, but I can’t get myself to stop. He needs to know how much those few little words hurt me too. I don’t care if he loves me, hell, I’ll be more than happy to help him get over it. But I want an apology first!  
‘Make. Me!!!’

Before I can even realise I stepped way out of line, his lips crash mine and he is kissing me with a force I have never felt before. I try to get out of his grip, but I guess I am not the stronger one of us after all. One hand is firmly on my back while the other one has a death grip on the back of my head in my hair. Even if I wanted to let go, I wouldn’t stand a chance.

Call me a slut, but I like it when Adam kisses me. He is one good kisser and there is nothing wrong with enjoying a little tongue action every once in a while. Especially when said slut hasn’t had any for quite some time. Problem is, I know I need to stop and get this situation under control. This isn’t really helping Adam, it’s really only making it worse and that’s not right.

I try to get away from Adam, but it’s not easy. He’s one strong motherfucker. But in the end it works. I even manage to get a few feet between us. The look I give him must not be a very comforting one, not that I had expected otherwise, because next thing I know he crashes to the floor in front of me again, his arms around my ass, crying (no surprise there anymore) and apologising over and over and over again. Blurring things like how unforgivable that was and how he does not deserve me as his friend and how he’ll understand if I never want to have anything to do with him ever again. He just repeats himself over and over again.

But... I’m not mad at him, is that weird? I even understand why he did what he did. Fuck, he got me to shut up, didn’t he? I was the one who stepped out of line, yet he is apologising his ass off? I try to get him to look up at me, so I can apologise to him, but he refuses to move at all. In the end all I can think of is just to grab his hair and pull his head back. It works, but now I see the look of pain and regret in his eyes, the regret he has been apologising to me for for the last few minutes.  
‘Will you shush for even just a minute? Stop apologising, will you? No, it was not your best move, but I provoked you, now didn’t I? I am the one who should be apologising to you, not the other way ‘round. I did not exactly stop you, if you recall’

That definitely shuts him up. Me too, if I’m honest. Secretly enjoying a kiss from a guy is one thing, but then admitting it to him only minutes later is a whole other thing. Yes, I did try to get away, but not because I wanted to stop him. I just needed to get control of the situation. I didn’t want him to get hurt more.

‘Sleep with me? Just once... I promise I will try to get over you after it, but just for this one time only, let me know what it is like to be with you.’

I’m doing that fish mouth thing again. Just to buy time so I can find words to say. I know what he means by ‘sleep’ and he knows I know so there is no need to pretend innocence. And out of all synonyms for sex there are, he had to go for ‘sleep with’, not ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’, no he has to go for ‘sleep with me’. Both other ones would have made an answer so much easier, but no... Adam has to take the safe way out, leaving it all up to me to either make or break this evening.

‘Fuck, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’ He saves me... and let’s me go. An even more disappointed look on his face this time. Great, this is going from bad to worse. What do I say now?  
‘I’m not taking my words back though.’ New determination graces his voice ‘It’s all I can think about, I know we could be so good together, I know I can make you feel so good.’  
‘Adam....’ That is actually the best I can come up with... I suck at conversation, especially when my gay friend is asking me to have sex with him. There is no ‘Conversation With Gay Friends Who Want To Sleep With You For Dummies’ is there? Cause if there is, I desperately need it right now. Or a ‘What To Do When Your Friend Is Right In Front Of You And About To Kiss You’? Cause I might need THAT self-help book even quicker, as in within 2 microseconds! He is so close and his lips are too close to mine and I don’t know what to do. Do I kiss back and let him have a moment and then break his heart? Or do I break his heart and pull back before he can even press his lips to mine?

Too late...

Soft big lips press against mine, his eyes are closed but I know they are so he doesn’t have to face looking at my shocked expression, not because he is enjoying this. His arms go around me again, holding me close against him. I still don’t know what to do, I don’t want to push him away, but how do I let him know when it goes too far? And when _is_ too far? How far will he actually take this? He’s not _actually_ thinking about going all the way with this, is he?

His tongue presses against my teeth, begging me to let him in. I don’t know why but I let him. I know... I _know_ I shouldn’t, this is already taking it too far, but I can’t stop. I let him kiss me more, I let him enter my mouth and caress my tongue with his. I feel fingers touch my jaw, softly caressing my cheek, making their way to the nape of my neck. I like the gentle pressure he puts on my neck, keeping me in place, but not firm enough so I can’t get away.

Why don’t I stop him? It’s the only question screaming in my mind and I know the answer to it, but my entire body and mind seem frozen. Even my arms are frozen and hang like two popsicles next to my body. The only part that does seem to be able to move is the one part that should not, or really the only part that should utter words that this is not right, that we should stop, that Adam will only regret this later and so many more reasons why this is so wrong.

But I stay silent. Even when I feel him guide me to what I assume will be the longchair, the nearest piece of furniture. I let him sit down, never letting go, never breaking our kiss. I fucking even let him pull me on top of him, what the hell is wrong with me? My arms are pressed between our shoulders while my legs don’t really know what to do, they hang off the foot of the long chair in a very uncomfortable way. Adam keeps them in place between his legs but with him lying under me like that, it only makes me more aware of his growing erection. Shit, shit, shit....

‘Adam...’ I try to get out. Tongues still entangled, making it pretty hard to say anything at all. Adam won’t let go, it’s as if my words only fuel him more to keep going. He knows he’s wrong, he knows he should stop, but me trying to word the wrongness of the situation makes him more desperate to keep going, as if by keeping going he rights it all.

Another ’Ng’ from my mouth, that should sound like his name, but does not even come close, is the start for soft humming sounds from Adam. Like a child not wanting to hear something, the only thing missing is fingers in his ears. The only difference is that in this case his humming is not annoying, he’s purposefully making it as sexy as hell, damn him. Arms start to wander, pressing me into him and making my body all tingly. I can’t help but wonder if he is like this with all his lovers or if this is just to keep me here and intrigued and hope I keep wanting more.

Apparently he is doing a good job, isn’t he? I still have not stopped him but I know I need to soon. My head and the rest of me seem to be at war. My mind screaming at the top of its lungs (so to speak) that this is not right, that we have just crossed that huge line that should never be crossed. But the rest of my body is crying for more, needing this amazing touch that it has not felt in such a long time. My body does not care if the hands and mouth touching me are male or female, as long as it does not stop. With every part of me screaming so loud, trying to make up what is right or wrong, attention to what is _actually_ going on slips and when I do return to where I am, my jacket is on the floor and some of Adam’s shirt buttons are undone. How the fuck did that happen? Please oh please tell me I did not do that! My hands still seem to have a death grip on the shoulder of his shirt, so I’m taking it that it was Adam, but since I had to have let go of him to get that jacket off, I don’t know anymore.

I’m scared. Actually scared. Scared of what is happening and _terrified_ of what I’ll do if Adam decides my shirt should come off too. The only reason why _his_ is still on is because I refuse to let go of said death grip on that shirt. I can feel my body shiver from fear and confusion and I feel exactly the moment Adam feels it too. His needy touches change to caring and soothing and even his kisses change in some way. How does one do that? I mean, I can hardly feel or taste it, movements are still the same, he doesn’t slow down or anything, but I can feel it. How the fuck can the same licks and tongue caresses feel _different_ when he doesn’t change a bloody thing? But they do feel different and he does try his very best to relax me and take my fears away.

And that’s what scares me the fuck more. So much I finally disentangle myself and manage to sit up. ‘Adam, we need to stop. You don’t want this, not _like_ this.’  
But Adam doesn’t say anything, he just sits up, looks at me all sad and pleading and then hugs me. His nose buried in my shirt, taking deep breaths through his nose, inhaling my smell. His arms feel up every inch of my back. I can feel his insecurity and his need to let go but wanting to hold on for just a few seconds longer. If this is his way of letting go, then I won’t stop him, I guess I would do it exactly the same way.

Minutes pass yet Adam still doesn’t let go. His arms are still covering every inch of my back, making me feel all warm and pliant and his nose is tickling me and touching me like a little kittycat would. Tickles turn to kisses on my chest through my shirt. Hot and breathy and desperate. Warm hands have made their way under my shirt, pressed soft and flat against my back. I know what he’s doing and I know he knows he does it well. I feel Adam dip his tongue in the hollow of my throat and follows a dirty trail of very wet and very sloppy kisses to my neck. He knows that’s my weak spot and now he is using it against me, but oh my god he’s using it good. See, this is why you should never drink too much, you confess more easily (or at least, I do) and if Adam remembered this than he probably remembers everything else I probably told him. Which means I could be in big trouble.

As if he’s been my lover for years, he somehow knows exactly how to handle me, fucker, this makes it all the more hard to actually tell him to stop. My brain refuses to function properly, I really am trying to focus on how wrong this is, but the sweet torment makes that practically impossible. My eyes close and I realise too late that those tiny gasps sounding in the room come from my throat.

‘Lift’ Adam whispers in my ear. What does that mean? Lift what? But then I feel cooler air around my back due to missing fabric, the hem of my shirt already up to my armpits. To my very own surprise I actually lift my arms, what the fuck am I doing? I can’t be the only one surprised, cause the look on Adam’s face says he is just as surprised as I am.

As soon as my shirt hits the floor, Adam returns to my neck, as if desperately trying to keep me unfocused. He presses his also very bare chest against mine, I knew I should never have let go of that death grip, that was just asking for trouble. Now where do I leave my hands? He is holding me in such a way that I cannot even leave them hanging next to me anymore. I can’t… I just can’t do this yet…

Hang on, where does ‘yet’ come from? There is no ‘yet’ to think about, I can’t do this ‘period’ ‘end of story’.

But when Adam shifts, turns us around and pulls me under him, I don’t say a fucking word and I just let him. My arms end up safe between us, virgin-like with my hands lightly touching his shoulders. I can’t believe I’m letting him do this. This is wrong for so many reasons, yet it feels so good and somehow in some fucked up way so right. Is this why I refuse to label myself?

I’m surprising myself less and less when I let Adam make a wet trail from my neck to my collarbone down to my stomach (okay, surprised a little _there_ , I know I must have told him about my nipple fetish… if he knows about my neck, then I _know_ he knows I’m an even bigger sucker for nipple play) and I don’t think anyone has ever tongued my navel quite like this. Come to think of it, why haven’t I ever done that like that before? Or make them do this to me? Shit, this is good. But if Adam thinks this distracts me from feeling him unbuttoning my jeans, he is seriously wrong. But he’s got me pinned down good, I can’t really do much about it and to be very honest, the way he is tongue fucking my belly button, I don’t really care too much what else he is doing as long as he keeps doing this.

When all buttons on my jeans are undone, I feel Adam open up my jeans, but that’s it. He doesn’t try to take them off or grab the ‘contents’. He just keeps doing what he was already doing and I am so definitely not complaining.

His tongue continues its journey south, following the trail of hair from my navel to my dick. Have you ever thought about that being the weirdest place to grow hair? Never got that... never mind, not really the time to be thinking about that, especially when... oooooh... oh, this is definitely another first. His hot breath is all that touches me, though his mouth is so close to my dick, if my cock would twitch, they would meet.

Adam is an impatient mother fucker. Instead of waiting for my dick to twitch, he closes the short distance and actually _kisses_ my dick through my underwear. I mean, I’ve done that to my girlfriends in the past, but they have never reciprocated.... ever! From now on, I am going to make them, cause, holy shit, this feels good. Then he adds his tongue again and I think I see spots now. I don’t think anyone has ever given me a BJ through my underwear before and again I can’t help but wonder why not? Has my sex life really been this dull up till now? Or does Adam just know all the right buttons to push? The combination of hot breath and his tongue is amazing and even though I _know_ I shouldn’t be, my dick has never been harder.

The second his tongue actually touches the tip of my dick, I want to push down my jeans and underwear myself, just so he will continue. Say what you want, but I think I can honestly say that no one knows better how to blow someone than another man. I always figured they would, but Adam just proved this point and he is just getting started! In fact, all he has tasted so far is the head of my dick, he hasn’t even fully gone down on me yet.... Now there’s a sentence I thought I’d never say...

I still let him though. I’m still scared as fuck, but I can’t get myself to stop him anymore. Adam is doing things to me no woman has ever done to me before. This is where my reasoning for not wanting to fit in any box comes in, I guess (or at least, this is what I would _really_ like to make myself believe right now. If this wasn’t true before, it sure as fuck is now!!)

Adam swirls his tongue around my slit and my hands grip his hair so tight, keeping his head in place, making sure he knows I like. He closes his lips around my dick and goes down as far as the fabrics of my clothes allow him to.

This is it, Adam actually got me to that point where my need is bigger than logic and I pull down all the fabric still covering my dick and my ass as far down as I possibly can. That annoying voice in the back of my head is still trying to warn me that we shouldn’t be doing this, that this will only lead to more pain and that even though I don’t label myself, this isn’t something I ever really thought about ever doing, but I don’t listen anymore. My need is stronger and I let Adam swallow me as far as he can.

I can’t believe this is actually happening, I thought I saw spots earlier, but I know I definitely see them now. He is doing things to my cock I never even thought possible and I love it. Adam bobs up and down while he somehow manages to swirl that hot tongue of his around my cock every time he bobs up. One of his hands holds the base of my dick tight so he knows I won’t blow my load too soon, which is a good thing cause I could blow any second if he would let me.

I know exactly where his other hand is too because his breathing is too uneven. Without opening my eyes, I know he is pumping his own cock. I guess he is not sure when I will say that this is enough either. I can’t really blame him, I don’t even know why we are still going.

But having come this far, I think I owe it to him and to myself to finish what we started and I know Adam doesn’t like it to leave things half done, he is a perfectionist and I can bet a few dollars he is a perfectionist in the sack too.

‘What are you doing, Adam?’ I can’t believe I am actually going to ask him for this. Will it be very rude to back out at the very, very, very last second?  
’I-I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself. Please don’t hate me... I-I’ll stop... please, please don’t hate me’ As if burned he let’s go of me…  
’Wh-what? What are you talking about?’ Fuck, he actually thought I wanted to stop now... which makes sense, you asshole! ‘Shit, sorry, I meant, why are you touching yourself? Why are you trying to get yourself off so fast? I figured that now you have me here, underneath you, actually fucking writhing and close to coming, you’d want that next and final step too? You know, the part people usually define as actually ”sleeping with someone”?’

Okay, I’m no sap, but this look can definitely be defined as adorably cute. He is doing the fish face again, but he is blushing and he’s got puppy dog eyes. Holy fucking shit, where did that come from? Since when do I do ‘adorable’? I don’t, Ratliff, now get your act together...

‘Are you sure? I-I mean, do you know what you are actually implying? I mean, you have no idea how much I have dreamed of being inside you, but that is one big step you will be taking, you shouldn’t think of this lightly, yo..’  
’Do you want to get laid or not? Holy shit, you are one tough fucker to fuck! I asked you, didn’t I? I-I don’t know how I will feel about all this tomorrow but right now I know this is the right thing to do, so shut up, get that undoubtedly supersized tube of lube and show me how it’s done!’

It takes Fishy (oh yes, he will be listening to that nickname for the rest of his days) about a minute to finally answer. ’I think I wou....’  
Oh no, I know where this is going, that is so not happening. I know he is only saying it to comfort me, but in a way fucking him would only make it more uncomfortable. There is no way I am going to be doing that.  
’No! Don’t say it. Don’t even think it. You started this, now you finish it. Don’t ask this of me, okay?’  
‘But...’  
’No, no ”but”, I trust you, just do it!’  
‘Are you s...’  
‘YES! Yes, I am sure. I want this, trust me’ and with these words, I take initiative and press my lips against his, tender yet insecure but somehow determined.

Adam thankfully soon takes over. I don’t know much about gay sex but I know I’m no top, and I’m not the dominant one. If I’m really doing this, let him take care of me, show me how it’s done, not the other way around. Once Adam looks me in my eyes and sees I really mean it, he takes over so fast it’s obvious he wants to make sure I really do not change my mind. His lips cover mine, while his fingers close around my hard dick. As if he is trying to say thank you _and_ keep me from thinking and coming to my senses all at the same time.

Frantic hands fumble with my boots, leaving my aching cock cold and abandoned, while my mouth is still quite enjoying its abuse. I don’t know how he does it, but he actually gets my frickin’ boots off without letting go of me. Okay, my ankles will probably be bruised cause he is kicking them off with his own boots now, but it’s working. Mission accomplished!

My jeans seem to be a whole different ballgame. He let’s my used and abused lips go, taking a quick glance at them, all red and puffy, I am sure. Then another quick but scared look into my eyes, afraid I might run after all. He rushes himself to the obstruction. Skinny jeans might look good, even god damn sexy on some people if I do say so myself, but they are a crime to get into or out of. I end up doing it myself, sending him off to get lube and condoms, he’d better come back with an ubersized tube cause there is no way that cock is going anywhere near my ass without at least a gallon of lube already up there.

Adam has this sheepish grin on his face when he comes back and he is blushing like a little girl. Not a lot of people know this, but in reality the guy is really just a big dork, especially when he’s nervous… like now. He doesn’t know where to put the stuff and looks around where it might be easiest. It actually takes him numerous seconds before he finally decides to just throw it all on the floor. I’d facepalm him if it wasn’t so funny. Besides, I don’t think now is the time to do so, he has suffered enough for one night.

I have never really felt so naked and exposed before as I do now. Here I am, wearing nothing more than the make-up on my face and Adam is checking out every inch of me, while he is still wearing his (albeit unbuttoned) jeans. Again I can’t help but think what the fuck I am doing here, what the fuck am I doing? Am I really going to let Adam, or anyone for that matter, stick his dick up my ass? To my own horror my own dick answers that fucking question for me; it twitches, practically bouncing. And of course Adam has to see that too, great…

He’s back on top of me before I can blink, jeans already halfway down his knees, spreading my legs like jam on a cracker. I don’t know who he is trying to calm down more, me or himself. For me it does work. My heart is still racing like I just ran a marathon, but not as frantic and scared anymore, more an excitement, if I am really honest with myself.

Yes, I have watched gay porn before, but I never believed that a guy could get off from just rubbing cocks together, no way that could be real. I guess that’s not at all true. Adam is rubbing himself against my dick and this feels fucking good, so good I can feel a first drop of pre-come leak from my slit.

Adam lifts one of my legs up, over his shoulder and keeps it there as he keeps thrusting a slow rhythm. I can hear something being uncapped, it must be the lube, shit…  
I feel something wet on my ass cheeks, fuck this feels so weird. His fingers move closer and closer to where I know he is going. The first time he actually _touches_ my ass, I jump. Okay, so I’m more scared than I thought I was, sue me! Adam’s sweet though, I don’t think I’ve never been peppered with kisses before, but tonight’s a night full of firsts, why not add that to the list as well? The second time he touches me, I’m more prepared, still jump a little, but I knew it was coming.

It’s not as if I’ve never had a finger up my ass before, so what happens next isn’t new and I know what it feels like, even if Adam’s fingers are a _lot_ bigger than mine or the few girlfriends who were okay with fingering me (which is surprisingly few, most girls get very excited about the thought of seeing a guy put anything up the back, but when you ask them to do it, they back off quickly, all of a sudden not at all as comfortable as they proclaimed to be mere seconds before).

What I hadn’t counted on was that 2 bigger fingers are so much bigger than 2 of my own. Fuck this stings. ‘Breathe’ is what Adam tells me to do and it takes all of my strength not to blurt out ‘sure, you try breathing with 2 fucking huge fingers up _your_ ass’ but chose to just bite my tongue instead, I know he is just trying to help. It doesn’t take long to get used to it, and another little while before I feel like fucking his fingers myself. This is why I break up with girlfriends who are not comfortable fingering me. No, I’m not that shallow, but I like this, sometimes I _need_ this. If she won’t give it to me and is in no way willing to help (even small toys to replace fingers is generally a no no) then I just can’t stay, sorry.

It’s easy to tell Adam has done this before... a lot! He hits that one spot only every few thrusts and I know he’s doing that on purpose; he doesn’t want me coming before he does! Cause if I do, then I might want out. Yeah, like that’ll happen.

But then the big challenge comes, if he is ever going to fit that freakishly huge cock up my tunnel, he needs to prep me with a third finger. I’ve done 3 of my own, but 3 of mine is about the same as 2 of him. That spells ‘yikes’, doesn’t it?

Adam pulls out his fingers, thankfully lubes up extra and returns his 2 fingers right back where they were, finding that sweet spot and keeps me high, so high I want to come, thinking about begging for it. But this bliss was too good to be true, he was just preparing me, for finger number 3, the bastard. The stretch burns, but Adam doesn’t relent, he pushes on through, telling me to ‘breathe’ again and hushing me. It’s turning him on more than he is willing to let on. I can feel his pre-come on his thick head, pressing into my stomach, his cock is twitching, yet all the while his fingers and lips try to calm me down. When the third finger fully joins the other two, he waits a few seconds before he starts to move inside me. Slowly, very slowly, until the burning stretching feeling subsides. After that he just goes to town, fucking me hard, hissing profanities in my ear, how good I feel, how tight I am and how badly he wants to fuck my ass and fill me with his come. So, the dork has a filthy mouth, I like that.

I am so not ready for his fingers to stop and leave my body. Because if the fingers leave, something else will replace them. I can’t do this... I can’t... I can handle fingers, I can even handle Adam grinding himself on top of me, but a cock up my butt? I’m panicking and I know it. I can hear him put on that condom very quickly and squirt more lube, probably on his dick and... shit, cold... more on my ass. I’ve got to stop this, I’ve got to let him know I....

Too late...

Adam starts to suck on my neck while I feel the tip of his cock press against my hole. I know deliberately didn’t warn me, I guess that even with my eyes shut tight, he could see my fear.

It hurts more than I ever could imagine, I still really want to stop, but my brain-mouth connection seems to be failing, cause my brain is screaming yet my mouth stays silent. I can’t breathe and it feels as if...nah, better not share what it feels like, trust me, it’s not pretty. I’ve never felt so full and the urge to push him out is strangely strong, but still I don’t say anything and wait for Adam to move. Adam also has trouble breathing and if I am not mistaken, he is 2 seconds away from filling up that condom. ‘Breathe’ I hear myself say, making a mental note to start listening to myself as well.

The burning feeling of the huge stretch returns when Adam pulls almost all the way out. Adam sets a very slow rhythm for me to get used to and every time he almost pulls all the way out and slowly pushes all the way in to the hilt, even pressing just that little bit further. When I dare to open my eyes, I look for Adam’s face and I have never seen him so concentrated in his life, ever.  
That’s when he decides to look at me too and immediately a look of fear appears, a fear probably similar to mine only seconds ago.

I still am scared as fuck, but I close the distance anyway and kiss his lips, showing him it’s okay, that he can relax and continue. Secretly freaking myself out a little more. But I can handle it now... I think...

Apparently my kiss is a sign for Adam to move to second gear and that certainly feels a whole lot better. Which should not really surprise me because I get off on serious finger fucking too, not that slow torturous shit. But still, his dick is nothing like my 3 fingers, not even four or five.  
Adam is moaning and hissing in my ear and it makes me want to draw wilder and louder moans out of him, it’s such a turn on. I try to move with him, spurring him on to move faster.

Adam grabs my legs and pulls them over his shoulders, holding on to them tight. Holy fuck, this is an amazing angle, hitting my prostate every single time. He’s thrusting into me with earnest and I am moaning like a whore, thrashing my head from left to right. This feels so fucking good, it makes me wonder why I almost pulled back in the first place. I open my eyes again and the sight before me could be from a hard core porn movie. Adam is sitting on his knees, holding my legs up, spread as wide as they can go and he is pumping his cock like a true porn star.

He lets go of my left leg and the second he puts his hand on my dick, I know I’m a goner. I try to last as long as I can, not wanting this to end at all. But it turns out ’as long as I can’ is actually not more than 30 seconds. Thick ropes of come spray everywhere, my stomach, Adam’s chest, his hand and when some lands on his groin, Adam collapses on top of me, smearing my come all over us and comes so hard I fear his heart might give in.

Adam trying to get his breathing under control, softly kissing my jaw and my neck, is the last I remember, I feel the world around me fade away and everything goes black…

When I finally come to again, I find myself covered underneath soft sheets. An arm is draped around me and I hear soft snores on my right. Memories of last night return to me like a high speed train. Fuck, what have I done?

‘Stop thinking so loud, trying to sleep’ I hear a slurred voice next to me. Why is this soothing? Why aren’t I freaking out so much more? Why aren’t I running for the door? Why am I not waking Adam up to talk about this? Why do I feel like cuddling deeper into the sheets and go back to sleep? So fucking many questions that scream in my head, but they can wait.

It figures that my head does not stay empty for long. New questions arise, such as ‘How did I get up here?’ and ‘How did I get cleaned up?’, Did Adam carry me up to his room while I was out?’, ‘Did he take care of everything else too?’. A feeling of guilt sets in, cause that was not fair on him.

‘What’d I tell you? Go back to sleep, it’s an order’ he chuckles, almost back to sleep again. And I do....

A new kind of uncomfortable settles in, a kind I really need to figure out when I truly wake up. I like this kind of uncomfortable though, it’s a comfortable kind of uncomfortable, but it has more to do with myself than with Adam this time. I’m uncomfortable because I need to figure out a few things very soon. About myself, my feelings and what those feelings towards Adam are now.

There’s also another kind of uncomfortable that’s creeping in. The kind that has everything to do with Adam and how I need to find out soon how to react around him as soon as he realises what HE has done. If you look at it, what happened last night, wasn’t right. He did not rape me, but he did, kind of, push himself up on me, making me (voluntarily, I know) do things I wouldn’t normally do and he knew that wasn’t really right. But this kind of uncomfortable also isn’t as bad as the kind I have felt for the last few weeks. And at least I know the reason why he had been acting the way he had around me for the last few weeks. I almost feel sorry for the poor boy he sent home... almost.

I know both Adam and I have a lot of thinking to do. But that will come when the time is right. Right now I just feel the need to snuggle deeper into the mattress and let Adam take care of me for a little while longer.


End file.
